The Sleep Rollercoaster

First off, my last post was regarding my weight loss journey, so here's my very quick update: weighed in at 136 this morning.  So I am down a little, but it's been seesawing up and down the past few days, and I haven't been doing that great.  Haven't gotten back on the horse with my exercise and although I have been doing well on my diet during the day, I usually blow it, or at least push to the VERY end of my points, in the evenings.  The sleep issues I have been having with Evie have been stressing me out like you would NOT believe (or perhaps you would, if you've got a little one of your own and have been through the same thing!) and that's been driving me to the freezer.  Oh, and to the industrial sized boxes of Skittles and Pretzel M&Ms that I bought at Sam's the other day.  Why did I do that??? 

Speaking of sleep issues... ah yes.  Sleep issues.  That's been the theme of my week.

Sleep has never been great with Evie, since the day she was born.  As a teeny infant I swear she'd go for whole days where she didn't nap, other than closing her eyes for a few minutes here and there.  NO NAP AT ALL!  She's also always been quite the night owl, staying up until 10 or 11 or 12 even as she has gotten older and developed a more consistent sleep pattern.  And don't even get me started on the terrible night I had last year when I had a project due the next day and Evie refused to go to sleep until 5 am!

This week, though, has been 'sleep issues' at a whole new level.  It tires me out terribly when she is staying up so late when my husband is deployed, and I decided it was time that I buckled down and got her on a predictable and normal sleep schedule.  Suddenly, Evie was seemingly unable to sleep without being in my arms.  One night, a few days ago, I tried from 7:30 until 10:30 to get her to sleep.  Three hours of literally nothing except trying to get her down.  She'd fall asleep in my arms, and then the moment I set her in the crib, wake up immediately and start screaming at the top of her lungs.  I cried soooo much that night.  At one point I just lay in bed clutching my knees and crying as loud as her for a few minutes.  It's just hard to deal with having NO "me" time when you are alone with a baby 24/7! 

Every night that I've had an issue I end up on the phone with my mom, sobbing, at least once.  Finally she told me that I need to take firm action, and that means getting over my inability to let Evie cry, and to let her cry it out some and learn to self-sooth to sleep.  I have felt so horribly conflicted over this concept.  I know a lot of people do it.  I know people have been doing it for generations and it doesn't seem to have psychologically damaged us all.  But it just snaps all my heartstrings to think that my daughter is crying her heart out and thinking that I don't care enough to come to her side.  So, although I tried the strategy of letting her cry for 10 minutes at a time, then coming in to comfort (but NOT pick her up), and repeat- I couldn't do it the first few nights.  I would inevitably pick her up and soothe her to sleep in my arms.  Set her down in her crib- SCREAM- and repeat.  For hours. 

Three nights ago I was finally able to restrain myself from picking her up for the entirety of the process of getting her to sleep.  It took an hour and it was miserably gut-wrenching and painful.  After she finally drifted off, hiccuping softly from her tears, I sat on the couch exhausted and feeling like a terrible mother.  I had my "me" time and I could not care less!  I didn't feel like tackling any of the projects that I had been longing to get my hands on all through my busy day.  I felt lonely and wished my little girl was still up so we could play.

Two nights ago, it took an hour again.  If this was the way it was going to go every night, I was starting to think that I would have to just deal with a night owl baby.  What stopped me from giving up was the realization that I have to regulate Evie's sleep schedule for HER sake, not for mine.  I knew that she was tired, and I knew that it was an appropriate time for her to be going to sleep.

Yesterday, finally, we had a pain-free bedtime.  I didn't even have to try- she fell asleep nursing at 7 and didn't even wake up when I set her in her crib- she was that out of it!  I had gotten her up at 6:30 that morning for a yard sale on base, which is about 2 hours earlier than she normally gets up.  Since she slept so well last night, she was up at 6 am this morning.  But she got in two naps with little hassle from me during the day, and she was asleep by 7:30 tonight!  I started the bedtime ritual at 6:30, because I could tell she was tired, and it only took about 15 minutes of crying before she went down this evening.  She nursed to sleep but woke up crying when I set her down, and I let her cry for 10 minutes and then went in to hug, kiss, and comfort her.  I lay her down and stroked her head, singing softly to her.  I got to watch as her eyelids grew heavy and the length of time between drowsy blinks lengthened.  Tonight, I am actually able to enjoy my 'me' time, knowing that my daughter is adjusting to a healthy sleep schedule, and that I didn't have to feel awful about the way we accomplished it tonight!

Anyone else out there had these kind of sleep troubles?  I hate that I even tried the modified controlled crying technique- I felt very conflicted about it.  I am hoping that things will continue to go well on the sleep front in the days to come...

Happy 4th! I declare my independence from these last 20 pounds

When Evie was 2 or 3 months old and I was all recovered from my crazy post-delivery complications (that's a loooong story for another post) I decided I was ready to get serious about exercise and I ordered a few Jillian Michaels DVDS- 30 Day Shred and No More Trouble Zones.  I liked the idea of a 20 minute workout that could help me lost 20 lbs in 30 days.  when I did the Shred the first time, I was perturbed to hear her say that the workout was designed to get rid of those LAST twenty pounds.  At the time, being within twenty pounds of my ultimate weight goal seemed unfathomable; a total pipe dream. 

But now I'M THERE!!  I'M THERE!!

I didn't stick with the Shred- I did it a few times, but then I moved on to walking with my jogging stroller and attempting the family room at the gym.  For the last few weeks, although my weight has continued to trend (very slowly, it feels like) downward, I really haven't been exercising at all.  And I need to change that- because even though I am at my lowest weight since high school, I'm still lumpy and flabby in more places than I'd like to admit.  And I know that it's more than likely that even if I were to get to a scary skinny weight, I'd still have those lumps and bumps and it would just look SUPER CREEPY- if I don't lose the weight the right way, with cardio and toning.

Today, I am going to commit to a 60-day Shred of my own- cause while it would be cool to get all the weight off in a month, I don't think that's a realistic or healthy goal for me.  But I'd like to be at my goal weight by Evelyn's first birthday, which is September 1st.  My husband will be getting home from his deployment around the same time, probably later that week- and it would be nice to surprise him with a super skinny me! 

Eek- it's scary to be putting this out in a public forum- because then if I don't meet my goal, I have to own up to my failure publicly.  But that's the reasoning behind doing something like this- it keeps you accountable.  Next time the half gallon of ice cream is calling my name at the grocery store (or from my freezer, if I gave in to temptation at the grocery store) I will need to remind myself that I've made a public declaration of my intent to lose 20 pounds by the beginning of September.  Hopefully, that will be enough of a deterrent to keep me on track.

And as a further motivator, I am going to post my weight and post my progress. AAAH!!  Even though I am no longer ashamed of my weight, as a woman it goes against my evolutionary instincts to put that number out in the open, other than at my weight watchers meetings or on a weight loss forum.  But here goes, here are my vitals:

When I got pregnant, I weighed 180 lbs.
The day I had my daughter, I was 216 lbs.
Today I weighed in at 137.4 lbs.
My goal weight is 116 lbs (ok, so I have a little more than 20 to lose- yesterday was a bit of a cheat day!)

116 is one pound under a BMI of 20 for my height (5 ft 4 in) and I don't feel the need to stay at that weight indefinitely, but I would like to get there just so I can say that I lost 100 pounds!

And one last thing- I don't want my 'final weigh in' day to be September 1st, although that's my goal.  That day is my daughter's birthday, and celebrating the first year of her life, and the best year so far of mine, should be the only thing on my mind that day.  So for that reason (and the extra time doesn't hurt either) I will schedule my final weigh in two months from today- September 4th.  Game on!

Happy Fourth of July everyone, and hope it's a fun and safe day for all!  We are missing my husband today but I'm grateful to be married to a guy who is fighting to preserve the freedom that we all celebrate today. :)

My veggie monster

Yesterday Evie and I were chilling at the pool with a few of our mommy/baby amigos, and the mommy half of the group were discussing our babies' diets.  I shared that I have a hard time getting Evie to eat her veggies.  She will gobble up fruits like crazy but it's like pulling teeth to get her to eat one serving of veggies over the whole day (normal for a baby I know, but the complete opposite of her momma).

For dinner, I made myself broccoli soup (not the cream kind- it's pretty much just watered down, pureed broccoli) and Evie starting hanging on my legs begging for a bite.  I always let her try what I am eating as long as it's baby-friendly and I blew on the spoon and let her try it, expecting a very humorous face.  To my surprise, she seemed to like it and continued to beg bites off me for the rest of my meal!  I'm confused but pretty excited.  Now I have to go check the soup label to make sure it's not packed with sodium or anything, but if it looks good I now have a go-to vegetable!  Who wants to bet though that as soon as I prepare it for her instead of myself, it will lose all appeal?

Deployed Spouse Blues

My husband is currently just under a week into Deployment #2 out of a probably 3 in 2010.  I can't complain too much, since his 75 day deployments are pretty quick compared to what some spouses have to endure.  I'm in much better shape this time around, as well.  Last deployment (which was also the first for us) I had an active young infant, a rental property that still needed a lot of work, and a very difficult class towards my Masters.  I finished my class, fixed up the house and got it rented, and parented my child successfully, but it was rough.  On top of it all I barely knew anyone here when my husband left.

This deployment, I have a lot less stuff working against me.  I have made some great friends in the area and gotten involved in the active mom community here.  I don't have any summer classes and the rental house so far is pretty low maintenance.  I'm still feeling the deployment doldrums, though.  And I am not talking about missing my husband (although I of course do, very much).  There is something so BORING about being the only adult in the house when you're used to otherwise.   Ten months ago, I would have coped with food- looking forward to fatty, sugary, unhealthy treats from eateries all over town would have been a big distraction and something to look forward to day-by-day.  But now I'm on a diet, dammit, and with only 20 pounds to my goal weight (will have lost 100 when I get there!) I don't want to get derailed now.  Last deployment, I was mostly good on that front, but found myself substituting shopping for eating.  Heading out to the store would always take my mind off of the rumbling in my stomach, and having NEW THINGS on a semi-regular basis was a great distractor from boredom and loneliness.  But this time around, I would like to be a little more fiscally responsible.  Fighting my urges to hit Dairy Queen (and Sonic and McD's and Starbucks and Longhorn Steakhouse and Bruster's, mmm....) and Target (and Old Navy and Michael's and Victoria's Secret and Kohls and even Walmart God help me) HARD are really wearing me down though!!  I have recently started making some baby products (etsy store: http://www.etsy.com/shop/SweetBabyEve) and I'm hoping throwing myself into the crafting and creating will be at least a minor substitute for the eating and shopping that I am trying to control for the next two months.  Hopefully I will make a few sales so I can feel justified in continuing to stock up on my supplies ;)

Back to the Blogosphere...

I've been meaning to start baby-blogging for, oh, nearly ten months now.  I even had another blog that I could have easily commandeered for mommy-posting.  But I just kept making excuses and putting it off, because I felt like my first post had to be monumental, summing up everything that's happened throughout my pregnancy, since Evie's birth, all my emotions and tiny milestones and so on and so forth.  And that's intimidating!  I didn't feel up to the challenge. I don't have much free time, what with an active infant, attempting to start my own business, and a mommy-social-life, and I wasn't sure I'd ever find enough time to write actual finished posts that I wouldn't be embarrassed to admit were my handiwork.

So, I'm giving myself permission to start this blog off with an unimpressive post.  It's not going to say every single thing I've been meaning to say for the past ten months.  It's not going to clearly demarcate my point-of-view as a blogger or a mother.  It's not, frankly, going to be very interesting, BUT, most importantly, it's going to be PUBLISHED and I'm hoping that finally jumping this hurdle will get me back into the habit of blogging regularly.  Fingers crossed!

A quick intro, which I'll flesh out further in later posts:  I'm Sarah.  My fabulous daughter is Evelyn (Evie for short), born on September 1st 2009, which puts her just shy of ten months as I write this.  I'm married to Justin (4 years in September) who is in the Air Force.  We live in Middle Georgia but our hearts lie in Virginia.  I'm 3 credits and a capstone shy of getting a Master's degree that I will likely never use.  My days revolve around my daughter, and I'm also working on starting a business and getting down to my goal weight (80 lbs down, 20 to go).